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Notes To Heaven started almost two years ago as a concept that I wasn’t sure would work, but I knew I wanted to have access to for my own needs and self-expression. I wrote My First Note in January of 2012 and set-up an area for others to Leave Your Own Notes and thought others would follow suit… It didn’t happen that way.
Ultimately, my writing took another direction, my thoughts, parenting/family and relationships. And as I worked to shove square-peg content into a round hole concept, it finally became clear I had to separate the two and took the opportunity to try something different–that concept has had it’s own evolution, but that’s another story for another blog.
Every once in a while something happens and I wish you were still here in a way that feels more significant than usual. The good news is it usually is a good happening that puts me in this place as opposed to something sad.
This Christmas was a really nice one. We hosted Christmas Eve and had almost 20 people for a sit-down dinner. I did really good. The next day we went up to Connecticut and had dinner with everyone. As we were standing in the kitchen somehow we started talking about being in that same kitchen almost 12 years ago, sitting at the table telling you that you were going to be a great-grandmother. Maddie was there and loves stories that she is even remotely part of so she was full of questions: How did I tell you…(i just said “I’m pregnant”), Who was there… (Aunt D, you and me), How did you react…(you cried–we all did–and were so overjoyed), What did we do after…(shopping, of course). I remember at the time wishing I could bottle the joy and excitement exchanged and felt that day as a stockpile for when things don’t feel so great or are outright shitty. But telling Maddie about the occasion and remembering an retelling it for her it was just like opening that bottle and getting a little drunk on the feelings of that day all over again. So I guess I had my antidote all along, I just didn’t realize it.
There are many things that have happened in the last few years–personal and professional achievements, talent shows for the kids, great report cards and more–that I wish I could have shared with you. You would be so proud of your great-grandchildren…and they remember you, ask about you, know how much you meant to me and they in turn want to honor your memory. It’s very sweet.
I love you and miss you more all the time, but at least now I know how to recapture those special moments
Last night as I was tucking Sean into bed, he asked me to tell him a story that had “Papa K” in it. Even though he’s never met you he’s fascinated by stories about you–maybe because he carries your name as his middle name or because he’s always told how much he looks just like you or because he has to wear glasses like you did (he even tried your old ones on).
Like today, we were in a cab and he wanted to know about when you tried to do stand-up comedy and what were some of your jokes.
I’ve had this idea for a very long time and it’s taken me some time to actually “put it into action.” I hope this is one of many Notes I send to you, but I had to send this one first…
Remember when I was in middle school and I had to decide what classical instrument to play? We went to a rehearsal of the NY Philharmonic and watched a them play Beethoven’sOde to Joy and you pointed out to me the First Violinist and how important they were to the conductor. You wanted me to play violin and I choose clarinet because the boy I had a crush on picked clarinet and I dashed your hopes of ever being a first violinist …